This dinner had a lot of merit

Last week was the big Court of Honor for Mark's Boy Scout troop. They have three a year, but this was the formal one after summer, when the boys work hard to rank up and earn merit badges.

The boys are supposed to look their best, wearing their Class A uniforms, including the sashes with all their merit badges sewn on. Apparently, none of Uncle Brad's two-hour lectures about tucking in your shirt or looking your best have stuck, because Mark looked like a hot mess. His shirt was untucked, his sash kept falling down, and his neckerchief was rolled up too high and flapping around at his neck. At one point, he was asking the troop leader a question, and I could Mr. Lane's hand instinctively straightening Mark's sash and neckerchief. I just sighed.

Mark's patrol was selected for the color guard, and did a great job. Mark carried out and presented the troop flag. He treated his task quite seriously, ensuring the flag was perfectly straight.

There was a slide show running on a big screen throughout the ceremony. My favorite picture was of the boys who went on the Sequoia camping trip this summer. The boys and leaders were huddled into a big ball of smiling, happy Scouts, goofing for the camera. In the background was a small speck, but I couldn't tell what it was. Luckily, someone circled the specked and added a very simple label: "Bear!"

And it was that very moment I vowed Mark would never camp again! (Well, maybe not in bear country...which happens to be all of California...so maybe he can camp at the beach...no, let's just be safe and keep it at NOWHERE. NO TIME. EVER. AGAIN.)

The boys had their own tables--I'm not sure if this was by their choice, or the parents' choice, but it worked out well for all of us. It was fun to sit with my friends and not next to a squirrelly boy.

The table decorations consisted of small wooden statues fashioned into the Scout hand sign, and mini Snickers bars strewn about. I wandered by Mark's table a few times, silently moving my fingers over an imaginary device. This is our shorthand sign for "Did you bolus?" and Mark's response is always the same--a confident, annoyed nod, as though he had indeed taken care of it, and then a frantic scrambling to pull the insulin pump out of his pocket and really bolus.

Dinner was actually pretty good, even if Mark had a hard time sitting through it. He kept running around the room, getting in to whatever he could. As I was returning to my seat, I heard him yell, "They took my plate again? That's the third time!" Apparently, Mark couldn't sit still long enough to eat his dinner, was keeping the kitchen busy washing all his dishes!

There was a raffle during the ceremony, and every Scout won a prize, which they immediately took to the table, opened up, and started using on each other. This wouldn't be a big deal at most kid's raffles, where the prizes are harmless, but this is the Scouts. Mark won an outdoor camping saw made of a thin, serrated wire with handles at each end (the perfect tool for a serial killer). And indeed, Mark was wielding it like a serial killer. He was also trying to saw everything in sight, including other kids' arms. I was appalled, and only a little less so when I saw another kid with the same prize doing the same thing. The rest of the boys were using their outdoor camping gear prizes to irritate one another, in the way only rowdy, hyper boys can do. One boy, who'd won a compass, realized his prize was worthless in this department, and just resorted to punching the boy next to him.

I fought every maternal instinct I had to scream, "What are you boys, CRAZY?" Instead, I zipped my lip, and walked away. (But only after I made sure no one was being choked by a camping saw.)

Then it was on to the awards. The boys who'd earned merit badges during the summer were called up to receive them. Most boys went up to Scout camp or the local Sea Base camp to earn their badges. Mark, who spent five weeks of his summer at Sea Base, brought home a whole bag of badges--15 in all! I was super proud and a little guilty at how much work he'd done. (I didn't realize how much work those badges involved--at one point, Mark was grousing about how he felt like he was in summer school. To which I answered, "You're welcome! Your school smarts aren't withering and atrophying over the summer.")

The parents lined the walls like paparazzi, waiting to photograph their boys. But the boys have short attention spans, so it was like a game, seeing how fast you could get off a shot or two before the kids escaped the stage.

I actually got a pretty decent shot, considering this was last year's proud moment:

Well, at least his shirt was tucked in then.

Mark also earned another rank, moving up to Second Class Scout. He earned a spiffy new badge for that as well.

Somehow, I missed that there was a giant cake for dessert. I found out when my diabetic son (who'd also gorged on the mini Snickers) appeared at my table, frosting smeared across his darling little face, and dumped something into my lap. Turns out it was his disconnected insulin pump.

"My site came out," Mark said, brushing away cake crumbs. "So here's my pump."

Mark was not at all concerned that he was no longer receiving any insulin. But this is my worst nightmare, especially since I never carry around extra supplies. (Note to self: Start carrying around extra supplies. Especially to Boy Scout events, since their motto is "Be Prepared.") But it turned out to be the best worst case scenario, since we were only a mile from home, and the ceremony was ending.

There was, however, one last raffle left, with two winners. Two boys would take home gigantic fancy fishing poles. The first winner was Mark's friend Josh, who was so excited, he leaped up from the table screaming, "It's me, it's ME!" He immediately ran to the stage, while the troop leader said into the microphone, "Josh, the pole is in the BACK of the room! Go to the back, Josh!" Josh turned, ran to the side of the room, made a left, ran the perimeter of the room, and finally made it to the back to claim his prize. It was hilarious.

The next boy who won was Calvin, who'd been the boy leader of the troop until just recently. He'd just earned his Eagle award, and was equally thrilled to win a fishing pole. When they called his name, he jumped straight up on his chair a la Tom Cruise, and hefted his arms into the air victoriously, screaming, "YESSSSSSSSS!" Also hilarious.

And with that, the dinner ended. I collected up my scattered, tired, and inexplicably sweaty kid, and all of his badges. With all those badges, I see a lot of sewing in our future (well, maybe Auntie Michelle's future?? ;-). Mark may not have been the picture of comportment at the dinner that night, but he'd worked hard all summer, and boy, was I ever proud of my Scout!

School Bored Meeting

Mark's Scout Troop is working on the Citizen in the Community merit badge. One requirement is to attend a community meeting, so the Scout leaders picked a school board meeting.

I attended a meeting in May, and seriously thought I was going to go insane from the boredom. So I warned Mark beforehand it's a little...slow.

"Oh," he said, and nodded knowingly. "So I should bring something to play with."

"No, no toys," I said. "You have to sit there and listen. I'm just telling you it will be incredibly boring, so you're prepared for it." And suddenly, an image of the crying room at church popped into my head. My mom dragged us there when we were little, but made us actually listen to the sermon--no playing around like the other kids. Complete. Torture.

We got to the meeting right at 5, but it was already full! The guard directed us to the overflow area in the cafeteria where we could watch the meeting on a big-screen TV.

The boys sat down and immediately started arm-wrestling. I did my best mom impression, shushing them, and pointed to the screen.

"You're going in there as soon as there's room," I told them. "Pay attention!" They started  arm-wrestling again, just a little quieter.

There were 50 other families there, all carrying bright neon signs. I asked what they were protesting, and a mom told me, "Nothing, we're here to support our charter school."

The first order of business was a retiree; I think he got an award or something. After shaking hands with all the board members, the chairman suggested he go celebrate with his family (i.e., free up some chairs, buddy!).

After the retiree's family left, a guard came back and announced there were 12 seats available. The charter school mom gathered up her supporters--about 40 of them--and headed out. Maybe they don't teach counting at the charter school.

The room grew much quieter after that. Even our Scouts, now 10 of them, settled down.

I watched the charter school lady appear onscreen at the podium. I still don't know what she was there for--she didn't ask for money, or to prevent any budget cuts--she just wanted to talk about the school while all the other parents waved their homemade signs. Which they did, for the allotted three minutes. And then they left. The take-away lesson I got was that school board meetings are for saying your piece, then splitting. Seems kinda...selfish.

More seats were freed up, 5 to be exact, the guard said. I grabbed my Scouts, then gave up my space, since I wasn't earning a merit badge and they were. I returned to the overflow area so I could play on Facebook and not be rude during the meeting.

The meeting finally ended, but the boys weren't quite done--they still had to interview the school superintendent. I was a little worried about what they would ask, but they did great! They asked why the board closed 5th grade camp ("Come on, tell the truth--was it really a fire hazard or just budget cuts?") They asked why the board would close nearby schools, and what'll happen to those affected students. They asked about classes that were cut, and if the band program was safe (it is, hooray!).

Mark asked about middle school sports, and whether they would be cut next year (no! It's been budgeted for the next three years--woot woot!). Another kid asked why they had to do P.E. when it was soooooooo cold outside. I thought to myself, "Man, that is definitely a California kid if he thinks 50 degrees is too cold for P.E.!"

I was actually very impressed by the questions--they were well-thought out and very relevant.

Until the last kid raised his hand. He was indignant that there are different standards between the genders during P.E.

"How come the girls don't  do the same stuff in P.E. as the boys?" he asked. "Like, say the  boys have to do 60 sit ups, and the girls only have to do 10. It's not fair!"

I cringed and sunk into my seat. Turns out the little rabble-rouser was none other than my own kid.

"What?" said the school board member. "There aren't different standards, thanks to Title 9. We will check into that," she said to the superintendent, who nodded in agreement.

And with that, the meeting ended. I popped Mark lightly on the head, and asked why he sold out the girls like that.

"You'll never get a date that way!" I told him, and his friend Jonah burst out laughing.

"So?" Mark said. "I don't care!"

"You will someday," Jonah told him.

On the way out, the boys high-fived each other for getting on TV. Jonah fretted that the camera caught him yawning several times. Mark said he and Sean flipped their hair every time the camera panned over them.

I was just proud they behaved. Of course, the minute they stepped outside, all bets were off--the three younger Scouts took off running through the empty parking lot toward my car.

"Why are they doing that?" asked Jonah's big brother, Ben.

"Because they're spazzes," I said. But I didn't mind. Every community needs a few indignant, high-fiving, hair-flipping, sleepy citizens--and I'm happy to share mine.