Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Dream Police

Sometimes Mark confesses things that leave me speechless.

"I like to control Fernando's dreams," he told me a couple days ago, nodding toward our yawning cat.

"You...what?" I said.

"Control his dreams," Mark repeated. "I wave a cat treat under his nose while he's sleeping so he dreams about food."

I immediately started giggling. 

"What does he do when you do that?" I asked. (I realize now maybe the proper reply should've been, "Stop torturing the poor cat!")

"He smacks his lips, then runs his tongue over them," Mark said. "Then I run away quick before he wakes up."

Which explained why the poor cat is always starving, and thinking about food.

Last night's dinner table conversation was equally intriguing, when Mark told me he figured out why his blood sugar was so high when he woke up.

"I was sleepwalking!" he told me. "And eating crackers in my sleep."

"You...what?" I asked again. (Yes, this is my default answer.)

"I guess I walked to the kitchen in my sleep," he said. "I woke up in my bed, chomping down on crackers, and there was an empty wrapper on the floor."

"Sleepwalking, huh?" I said. "That explains the bathroom. Looked like a hurricane hit there this morning!" 

We both sat silently, contemplating Mark's extracurricular nocturnal activities. 

"Were you hungry?" I asked him. "Did you feel low?" 

He'd had two bedtime snacks around 9 and a glass of sugary milk at 11:30 when I tested and his blood sugar was a little low.

"No," he said, thinking it over. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers and said, "Unless..."

"Unless what?" I asked.

"Unless Fernando was getting me back," he said. He pointed at our giant cat lolling around on the floor. "Maybe Fernando tried to control my dreams!" 

And then we lost it. The image of Fernando waving Ritz crackers under sleeping Mark's nose was just too funny. Our laughter scared Fernando, who jumped up and stared at us curiously. He blinked once, then twice, and then, eventually, fell back onto the floor. 

"I'm on to you, 'Nando," Mark said. "We're even now."

And for the sake of Mark's blood sugar, I hope he's right. 






Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I need a new health care decision maker, stat!

Mark's off to camp again this summer, which means he needs another tuberculosis test (his last one expired). As this involves a needle, one of his least favorite things, he was not happy.

"Why do I even need a stupid shot?" he grumbled. 

I patiently explained (for the one hundred and forty-seven thousandth time) that TB is very contagious, especially in close quarters like the bunk beds and cabins at camp.

He still wasn't convinced. He also wanted to know about the test results.

"What happens if you do have tuberculosis?" he asked next.

"Well," I started, "If you do have TB, they put--"

"--you down?" Mark said, finishing my sentence. 

"No!" I immediately shrieked. "They put you on antibiotics for a few months." 

We stared at each other for a moment, all big eyes and shocked expressions.

"They don't put people 'down,'" I said slowly. I thought this was an important point to make.

"Oh," he said.

"EVER," I said, just for clarification. 

He nodded, and went back to fiddling with the car radio.

And I started sweating, because you know, you kinda hope your kids will take care of you when you get old. Only, at that moment, I wasn't so sure that's what I wanted any more. 

I see many discussions about compassion, empathy, elder abuse and veerrrrrry specific healthcare directives in my near future...