This is what happens when you teach your kid to answer the phone...

I hate robocalls with a passion. I hate all those telemarketers bugging us, especially at dinner time.

I used to ignore them, but changed my mind after listening to Mark and his friends answer the phone one day.

Instead of getting angry, I decided to embrace their humor and have some fun too. I told Mark he was now in charge of all telemarketing calls. He was thrilled.

It was one of my better ideas, as evidenced by a call from the local newspaper yesterday. We were eating dinner when the phone rang and an 800 number popped up on the caller ID screen.

Mark answers it in a crazy old woman voice: Helllllllooooo?

The telemarketer asks for Heather.

Mark: This is Heather. I'm an old, old lady. (Giggles at my expense.)

Telemarketer says he has a special offer for the newspaper.

Mark, still in crazy voice: But I can't reeeaaaad, sonny.

Telemarketer: Pauses, but bless his soul, forges ahead. He tells Mark he has a special deal for a Sunday-only newspaper subscription.

Mark: But I only look at the paper on Saturdays. (Laughs maniacally.)

Mark listens for a moment, then responds: Just kidding, I read the Sunday paper. I'm just too cheap to buy it.

Me, giggling at first, then insulted, from the sidelines: I'm not cheap! I just don't have time to read it!

Telemarketer: Mumbles something to Mark.

Mark: That's right, cheap. I have tons of money, but I won't spend it. Can you give me free papers on Sundays?

Telemarketer: Silence.

Mark: Is that a yes?

Telemarketer, clearly confused: Mumbles something again.

Mark: Do you like cats? I like cats. Do you write about cats in your newspaper? Hello? Hello? Are you still there, sonny? (Turning to me) He hung up on me!

And then Mark laughs, and also hangs up. The conversations aren't long, but they are immensely satisfying, at least to me and Mark. Telemarketers never find them as amusing as we do, but I like to think we're giving them a little gift--a good story to share at the end of the day. You know, when they're sitting around talking about the weirdest calls of the day with their co-workers. I always hope Mark makes it into the top five of those calls.

But it's cool if he doesn't. Because honestly, we aren't really doing it for the telemarketers. We're doing it to crack ourselves up, and it works every time.

My plan totally worked--I don't get mad anymore when I see toll-free numbers display on caller ID. Instead, I know I'm in for a comedy show. So telemarketers, you may have my number, but fair is fair--Mark's got your number, too! 

Consider yourselves warned.

Why 11-year-olds shouldn't have phones

Mark's friends were at the house the other day. As they were leaving for school, Josh's cell phone rang.

"Oooooh, it's from Washington!" Josh said, excitedly. His brother Dan asked, "Why is Washington calling you?"

Josh just answered his phone. He listened to the caller quietly for a moment before speaking. 

"I'm only 11 years old," he said. "I don't think I'm eligible."

But apparently his age did not dissuade the caller. "I probably would," Josh said into the phone, "if I had any money. But I don't. I'm a kid!"

The other boys were listening intently to the conversation. Just as Josh opened his mouth to say something else, Sean screamed at the phone.

"Put your pants back on!" Sean shouted, and the room full of boys erupted into giggles.

It did the trick. The caller quickly hung up on a still-giggling Josh.

"Who was it?" Dan asked.

"I don't know," Josh answered. "He wanted me to give money to the homeless. I told him I probably would, but I'm just a kid. I don't have any money!" 

"Then what did he say?" Dan pressed.

"Nothing," Josh answered, snickering. "Sean scared him!"

I just smiled. I always ignore the phone when I see a toll-free number on the caller ID, but now I realize I've got a better option. From now on, I'm letting Mark answer all the robocalls.

It might not amuse the telemarketers, but it'll sure crack me up.