This.

Mark and I were looking at photos of our house taken a few years ago. The living room, filled with greenery, looked awesome.

"We need some new plants," I told Mark. I scanned the room--there's only one plant left:

"Pathetic!" I said to the tower of sticks with five leaves clinging to it.

It's my own fault. Every couple years, I decide the plants need food and buy those little plant fertilizer sticks at the dollar store. And every time, without fail, they kill my plants. Dead. Immediately.

So I need new plants. Sounds easy enough, but now I have the World's Largest kitten, who thinks anything new in the house is a toy, food or something he must protect us against. Doesn't matter which option he chooses, the results are the same--the threat is quickly mangled, chewed-up, and left lying on the floor.  

I arrived at the local nursery, smartphone in hand, fully aware that 90% of the plants I purchased will be eaten and regurgitated on the carpets. I spent a good hour perusing plants, trying to decipher the names of each plant, and then referencing it on the ASPCA web site. Turns out every plant I like is toxic to cats. 

I finally found a polka dot plant, a couple ferns and a small palm tree plant, all of which are non-toxic. Seriously, I found FOUR plants. In the whole nursery, there were only four plants that won't kill my curious, hyperactive, spastic giant kitten.

As soon as I got home, I transplanted my purchases. I watered them and sprinkled some cajun pepper in the dirt (a cat deterrent, according to my good friend, the Internet). Then I stood back, spray bottle in hand, ready to douse whichever cat attacked first.

And that's when I realized I completely wasted my entire lunch hour. Because Fernando was, indeed, curious...about the plastic drainage saucer. That's right, he didn't care about the plant at all, he just walked up and started chewing on the plastic drainage dish.

He was obsessive about it, too. Just as I'd imagined, but I thought he'd obsess over the plant, not the plastic. I squirted him good three or four times, then finally distracted him with a cat treat and a toy.

But not before he left his mark...

It turned out, unfortunately, like most of my other parenting decisions. I put a lot of thought, and work, into protecting the ingrates living in my house...but I'm always just the slightest bit off.