Where's Chairy??

We interrupt this usually cheerful, light-hearted blog with an important announcement. Heather is feeling cranky, and that is, unfortunately, reflected in today's entry.

My brothers Tim and Smed used to have an ugly green La-Z-Boy chair named Chairy (after the chair in the Pee-Wee Herman show). For some reason, Chairy became a sort of soapbox, a platform for railing against whatever bothered them.

Chairy sat in front of the T.V., which always had some sort of news program on. That's probably what started it all; just sitting in Chairy got my brothers all mad. They would watch the news and vent. During commercials, they would rant about the injustices of the world and the ills of society. They would shout about politics, sports, the decline of society. They would decry the loss of humanity and general decency in civilization. And then they would jump out of Chairy and return to their happy, fun-filled selves.

I've had a rough week, and I've got a bit of the grumpies today. So instead of the usual light, funny Mark stories, I'm taking a seat in Chairy (metaphorically speaking) and presenting my list of rants.

These are the things driving me crazy lately:

"Harvest Festivals." Listen, if your party is in October, is filled with ghosts, goblins, or mummies, and requires my son to wear a costume, then call it what it really is--a Halloween party. Don't call it a Harvest Festival unless we're actually bringing in crops (and trips to the pumpkin patch don't count).

Hairless dogs. Or cats. It's just not right. Puppies and kittens are supposed to be furry and cute -- wrinkly bald versions are the exact opposite. They creep me out. (Although I did see a very playful hairless puppy at the pet store today.)

Mouthy, sassy little children with bad attitudes and a predisposition for lying. You can guess what inspired this one (yes, it's about four feet tall and rhymes with "shark").

Editors. (Jill excepted!) This week has been a living reminder of the quote: "The relationship of the editor to the writer is that of the knife to the throat."

Blurred seasons/holidays. A couple weeks ago, the grocery store featured all the summer items on clearance. Right next to them was a display of Halloween candy.

And yesterday, I walked out of the 99 degree weather and into Target. Which was filled with down jackets, ski hats and other winter apparel. It all makes my head hurt.

Homework. Especially when it's not mine, and I'm not even in school anymore. And especially since I'm not good at math, which accounts for most of the homework. But I check and correct it every night to set a good example. And while I'm ranting, who thought it was a good idea to give 4th graders algebra? Seriously, it even says it on the worksheet -- "Algebra." (I thought Mark was kidding when he said he was doing algebra in class.) At this rate, I won't be able to check Mark's homework come spring!

Airlines. I loooove to travel, but seriously, this nickel-and-diming stuff is getting old. Can I just buy a ticket with ONE PRICE that includes the seat, seatbelt, one piece of luggage, a soda and a bag of peanuts? And then put my credit card away until I reach my final destination?

Politicians. In the famous words of Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?" No need for actively working against each other, screaming at the President in Congress, or just generally acting like unruly kindergartners. In fact, remember that old essay about "Everything I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten"? All members of Congress need to go back and read that a few times. And then heed it!

OK, that's it. I feel a little better now. Still grumpy, but a little less so.