A birthday miracle

Mark's behavior at school has taken a turn for the worse this year. Nothing major, but lots of little irritating get-in-trouble incidents resulting in one unhappy Mom.

I had to take action. I'd tried incentives and positive reinforcement -- none of it worked. I had to threaten him with something really drastic.

So I pulled out the biggest gun I had. I threatened to cancel his birthday party.

That sure got his attention.

Behavior in Mark's class is measured daily by color cards, in this hierarchy:

• Purple -- Excellent. Had a great day!
• Green -- Good. Where everyone starts the day.
• Yellow -- One warning.
• Orange -- Two warnings. Lose a recess.
• Red -- Disciplinary action taken.

Prior to our talk, Mark's behavior chart was littered with yellows and oranges. I hadn't seen a green mark in months. I told him that he had five weeks to improve -- if he didn't earn 10 green marks during that time, there would be no party.

"We'll still celebrate your birthday," I assured him. "We'll go to dinner, you'll get cake and presents. But I'm not shelling out money for a party unless your behavior improves. I don't expect you to be perfect, but you've got to try harder!"

And so began the long march to the party deadline. He earned two green marks the first week, one the second week, and one the third and fourth week. Things were looking grim at the beginning of this week.

I was buckling under the pressure. I wanted to stay strong and follow through, but the guilt was killing me. I was beginning to wonder what kind of rotten mom withholds a birthday party from her kid.

Luckily, my friends kept me strong. Jill reminded me that above all, I must stay consistent and hold true to my word. Kelley reminded me that I hadn't set the bar all that high -- only 10 out of 25 days. I expected him to be good less than 50% of the time, she reminded me, only two times a week. That quickly brought back my resolve!

Mark, as usual, blamed his behavior on everyone but himself. One day a kid talked to him, and made him go to yellow. Another day he was late for class because his shirt was all wet and the office wouldn't give him a new dry one (he neglected to say it was wet because he slid through puddles at lunch). He started the fourth week by telling me he was going to get green marks every day, but before I could cheer him on, he added, "Then I don't have to behave at all next week."

"That's not how it works!" I said, as my plan came back against me.

So when this week, his last chance, started, he was panicked. He had only five green marks, and five days left. He was desperate to earn that party.

"Mom, you need to hypnotize me," he told me Sunday. "Tell me to be good everyday, then wake me up."

"No, you have to be good on your own," I told him.

He went to Plan B. "OK, I'm going to do it," he said. "I'm going to get a green mark everyday. Do you think I can do it?

"Of course!" I replied. "I KNOW you can!"

But secretly, I doubted it. He'd only earned five green marks in the previous month -- there was no way he could get five in one week. I found myself plotting with him.

"You're focusing on not being bad," I said. "You need to focus on being really good instead. Do something super good so you move up to purple -- then, if you get in trouble, you'll just get moved down to green." (Never imagined those words would come out of my mouth!)

I still doubted it could done, but he surprised me! On Monday, he got a purple! I was so proud, I told him that counted as two greens. He was up to seven now...

Tuesday he came home with a green! (There was a small blip when the vice principal called to say he'd gotten in trouble at recess. He still justified the green mark, saying, "But I was good in class!" And I had to concede that was the deal.)

On Wednesday, he brought home another purple, bringing the total to 10. He'd earned his birthday party with just moments to spare.

We happy danced all around the house, until it struck me I now had a big party to plan. I panicked a little bit then.

"Good job!" I told him. "I'm so proud of you!"

And I was, too...right up until the next day, when I got another call about bad behavior from the vice principal. Two in one week, an all-time record!

But that's Mark, in a nutshell -- he simultaneously hit his best and worst week in behavior all at the same time. I'm still a little leery about whether that merits a party, but I promised, so I'll live up to it.

And now I have to come up with another reward for him to earn starting next week...send 'em my way, I'm open to all suggestions!