Friday: Science Project Due Date T -7 days.
"I have an idea!" Mark informed me, happily. "I'm gonna test my blood sugar!"
"Oh," I answered. "I thought you were gonna tell me your science project idea."
"That is my idea," he proclaimed. "I'm gonna test both hands and see which hand has a higher blood sugar."
He smiled proudly. I just said, "OK..."
"My hypothesis is that my left hand will be higher," he said. "Because I test that one way more."
"When will you start testing them both?" I asked.
"Tomorrow morning," he answered.
And he did. The first results were:
Left hand: 93
Right hand: 98
"I knew it!" Mark exclaimed. "My right hand's higher because I'm always touching stuff with it. This proves I'm right."
"You were proving the LEFT hand is higher," I reminded him. "Besides, you need more than one test to get proper results!"
"Oh, yeah," he said, looking at his left hand. "Whatever."
I wondered if "whatever" is a scientifically acceptable answer.
He conducted the second test before lunch, but didn't have any paper to write the results down. I just shook my head and walked away.
I couldn't stand it anymore. I'd gone almost six weeks saying very little, and as much as I wanted him to learn a lesson, this was killing me in a very slow and painful way. The project was due in six days--he wouldn't even fail correctly if he didn't come up with a real project!
So I caved.
"Why don't you test how exercise affects your blood sugar?" I asked.
No reaction. Mark didn't want to run laps, not even in the name of science.
"You could play active games on the Wii for two hours," I said. "And inactive games for two hours, then graph the different results." (I know, I'm a saint.)
"YEAH!" he shouted, pumping a fist in the air.
But I still wanted him to realize this was a scientific project, not just a free four-hour pass to play Wii.
"Why is exercise important?" I prodded. "Not everyone has Type 1 diabetes...why should they care how activity affects blood sugar?"
"Because they don't wanna see me fall on the floor and pass out when I'm low," Mark answered.
Eventually, with a lot more prodding, he came up with a viable answer--people with Type 1 diabetes need to know so they don't go too low during exercise, people with Type 2 need to know so they can lower their blood sugar, and...
"Who's the last audience?" I asked. "Who's reading this paper, or listening to your presentation? You need to tell them why they should care about this paper."
I was looking for the answers "my classmates and the teacher" or "non-diabetics, so they can prevent Type 2 diabetes by being active," but instead, Mark answered, "Researchers."
"OK, I quit," I said.
"What? Why?" Mark asked, confused. But his confusion paled in comparison to mine--I have no idea why he thought he'd be presenting this paper to researchers.
"Because they don't wanna see me fall on the floor and pass out when I'm low," Mark answered.
Eventually, with a lot more prodding, he came up with a viable answer--people with Type 1 diabetes need to know so they don't go too low during exercise, people with Type 2 need to know so they can lower their blood sugar, and...
"Who's the last audience?" I asked. "Who's reading this paper, or listening to your presentation? You need to tell them why they should care about this paper."
I was looking for the answers "my classmates and the teacher" or "non-diabetics, so they can prevent Type 2 diabetes by being active," but instead, Mark answered, "Researchers."
"OK, I quit," I said.
"What? Why?" Mark asked, confused. But his confusion paled in comparison to mine--I have no idea why he thought he'd be presenting this paper to researchers.
Mark ran straight to the Wii to start playing, but I stopped him.
"You have to write the report first," I said. "I want to see everything done except the results. You can drop those in at the end."
This was met by much grumbling, and a loud, slow walk down the hallway toward the office. Mark spent a whopping 45 minutes working on his paper before announcing his project was done. He showed me the notebook paper where he'd copied two paragraphs verbatim from a website. (OK, maybe not verbatim--he misspelled every other word.)
"You didn't just copy those paragraphs word for word, right?" I asked. "Because we've had this discussion before--that's plagiarizing."
This truly shocked him. "WHAT?!" he exploded. "Come on!" There was an awkward moment of silence, and then he stomped off again.
"It has to be typed," I called out. I heard him growl.
When he returned, Mark said, once again, he was done with his project, except for the results.
"Good job," I said, knowing full well he wasn't. "Must feel good to be done, huh?"
"Oh, yeah!" Mark sighed. "And I didn't even plagiarize. Look, I added the words 'Did you know...' before the other sentence, to make it my own."
I just smiled, because I didn't trust whatever words wanted to come out of my mouth. And I realized it's probably just as well I never realized my childhood dream of becoming a teacher--because obviously, I can't teach kids, not even my own damn kid, how to succeed without cheating, or stealing words.
Thank God this paper's due soon. I may not survive much longer...
"You didn't just copy those paragraphs word for word, right?" I asked. "Because we've had this discussion before--that's plagiarizing."
This truly shocked him. "WHAT?!" he exploded. "Come on!" There was an awkward moment of silence, and then he stomped off again.
"It has to be typed," I called out. I heard him growl.
When he returned, Mark said, once again, he was done with his project, except for the results.
"Good job," I said, knowing full well he wasn't. "Must feel good to be done, huh?"
"Oh, yeah!" Mark sighed. "And I didn't even plagiarize. Look, I added the words 'Did you know...' before the other sentence, to make it my own."
I just smiled, because I didn't trust whatever words wanted to come out of my mouth. And I realized it's probably just as well I never realized my childhood dream of becoming a teacher--because obviously, I can't teach kids, not even my own damn kid, how to succeed without cheating, or stealing words.
Thank God this paper's due soon. I may not survive much longer...
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