The birds and the bees

Last week I was working at home, and Mark sat beside me doing his homework.

"Mom," he asked, "I know I came out of my mom's stomach, but how did I get in there?"

Ack! went my brain, as I broke into a sweat.

"Well," I stalled. "That's a good question."

He's a pretty naive, innocent little guy, so I ran over all the scenarios in my head. I tried to figure out how much info to give him, and the appropriate words to use. I knew it would shock him, so I steadied myself and tried to remain matter-of-fact. But I'm embarrassed to say I fumbled on the first try, and answered, "Well, you come from a seed."

"A seed?" he asked. "What kind of seed? Like a packet of seeds?"

Which made me giggle inside, and threw me off course. Focus! I told myself.

"No, not from a packet," I said. "It comes from your dad."

"What?!?" he gasped.

I struggled through a few more terrible examples, ending with, "So, you need both a mom and a dad to make a b a b y."

I was totally not ready for "the conversation" and especially not while I was in the midst of work stuff. Luckily, Mark's attention span is pretty short and after a minute he said, "Mom, can I ask you another question? What's 9 times 5?"

"I'm not doing your homework for you!" I answered.

Because I had some homework of my own to do. I started where I always do when I have questions--Amazon. com.

I found a couple of suitable books to read with him. One was a very scientific, basic book about how b a b i e s are made. It talks about how bees pollinate plants, then moves on to chickens, puppies and finally, humans.

The second book was a lot more detailed. It described body parts, changes, and all sorts of other good info. I knew it was gonna blow Mark's mind.

So I started with the first book. I brought it out at bedtime, when we read stories. He was okay at first; he thought the chickens were weird, and raised his eyebrows at the puppies being born. When the human descriptions came, he glanced sideways at me and raised his eyebrows higher.

"Got any questions?" I asked when we were done. He closed the book, shook his head and walked away. I couldn't believe Mr. One-Million-Questions-About-Everything had none about this.

He walked to his room, and then I heard what he really thought.

"DEEEEE-scusting!" he shouted.

But apparently the lesson stuck with him. Yesterday my cousin was teasing him and my nieces, and said, "Nathalie was born, but Gabi was hatched from an egg."

"We all came from an egg!" Mark shouted. I removed myself quickly, biting my tongue.

Later that night, after all four kids were tucked into bed, I walked past the room and saw Nathalie reading a book.

"Turn on the lamp so you can see, Nat," I told her.

"Actually, I don't want to," she said. "I was reading this horribly disturbing book Mark gave me!"

I didn't even have to guess which book it was. Silently, I took it away and bid them goodnight. I wanted to get out of there before the other kids asked what she was reading -- it was bad enough explaining it to one kid. I didn't want discuss it with four of them!

Sometimes it's shocking to think that I'm the mature person in the house. And it's even more shocking to think we've only started this conversation.