I don't know why I bother. It's like arguing with a brick wall, or talking politics with my younger brother. I always feel like if I'm earnest enough, if I'm charming or funny or intelligent enough, I can win people over from the Dark Side. But it never works.
Case in point: Government office workers.
I've waited 13 months now for Mark's birth certificate. The Office of Vital Records promised I'd have it by July, but then amended that to September or October, and more recently to maybe mid-January. In case you forgot, you need a birth certificate for things as important as getting a passport or signing up to play youth sports. (Seriously--AYSO and Little League require a birth certificate!) Oh yeah, and you also need it to apply for a new Social Security card.
As a child, you need a Social Security card for things such as opening a bank account, or receiving savings bonds from your grandparents. (As an adult, you need it for other reasons, but I'm jumping the gun here.)
So yesterday, I tried to get Mark a new Social Security card with his not-so-new-anymore last name on it. The Social Security web site lists what's required to get an adoptive child a new card:
EVIDENCE DOCUMENTS WE NEED TO SEE
Final Adoption Decree
Beautiful, I thought. I have that.
I dug the original decree out of its locked safety box, and brought it with me to work. If this doesn't scare you, then you obviously have not ever helped me search frantically for my keys or wallet. I do not take important papers from my house simply because I'll lose them. (I did make a photocopy first, but still...)
Armed with the original adoption decree and a completed application, I went to the Social Security office. The guard checked my papers, and gave me a number.
And then everything went to hell. I explained to the man at the window I needed a new card for Mark, and without ever looking at me, he stuck out his hand and said, "Birth certificate, please."
So I very nicely explained that I don't have his birth certificate yet. "I've been waiting for it over a year now," I told him.
Mean SS man, scoffing: "It doesn't take that long. Come back when you have it."
Me: "It does take that long--trust me, I call them every couple weeks asking about it. Look, here on the application, it says you can use the final adoption decree, so--"
Mean SS man, refusing to look down at the paper in my hand: "I can't do anything without a birth certificate."
I argued with him for a good five minutes, but he wouldn't look at any of my papers and simply refused to help me. I realized the armed guard was staring me down intently, so I finally just left.
Then I called the main Social Security phone number for clarification.
Me: "The application says all I need to get him a new card is the final adoption decree. Is that correct?"
Man on phone: "Did you bring in the original adoption decree?"
Me: "Yes."
Man on phone: "Then, ABSOLUTELY that's all you need!"
Me: "So I don't need a birth certificate? I can get my son a new card without it?"
Man on phone: "ABSOLUTELY!"
Me, vaguely hopeful: "So the guy at the office was wrong? What should I tell him when I go back, so that I can get this started without a birth certificate?"
Man on phone, screeching to a halt: "You went in to an office?"
Me: "Yes."
Man on phone: "And they said you need a birth certificate?"
Me: "Yes, but--"
Man on phone: "Then you absolutely need a birth certificate."
Me, confused by his abrupt change: "Wait," I said, "You just said that--"
Man on phone: "Anything we say on the phone or Web site is just a generalization. Whatever they say in the office is how it really works."
And with that, he was done. He offered to send some brochures, but since he'd just told me that office workers supersede any written word, I declined.
Mark was no closer to ever getting a bank account or passport, and there were two more government office workers who'd just made my hate list.
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